Greetings again, for those rare souls who have Bookmarked this page. I have been taking a break from the wards, ostensibly "doing research." I spent a month reading every last paper I could find on mathematical modeling in medicine; came up with a thesis proposal, secured an advisor who doesn't really know math, and promptly dropped all interest or endevour on said proposal. Lets just say, the work is pending ... or tabled, just for now.
Instead, I have been studying random topics. Reading and reading and reading and reading. Competancy, I guess, has become a priority for me. Unfortunately, the more I read, the more I realize I don't know. Its a dreadful thing to feel and look stupid.
The time spent away from the wards has given me a chance to reflect a bit on the last year. It was insane. Painful. Tiresome. And life-altering. I look back through this blog and see how dramatically my mood deteriorated as the year went on. I was positive and peppy during Surgery and Psych ... and, then ,lo .. by the time Pediatrics came around... ugh. I was nasty.
I just finished reading "The House of God" by Samuel Shem and so much of it rang true with my own experience. It is rather destabilizing to come face to face with the dark side of medicine. The jaundiced attitudes, the unchanging hierarchies, the power plays and the insanity.
I made a break for it as soon as I could and now find myself in Denver, in the house where I grew up. Its such a different world out here. Wide open spaces, miles and miles and miles of nothing but tumbleweed, a few scattered trees, and - in the horizen - the towering Rockies. God, this place is so peaceful and beautiful. So far away from the humdrum of city life. So far away from the lunacy of medical school. I rather like it here.
I spend my days reading; trying to consolidate my knowledge. Ob/Gyn, Anatomy, etc. I'm preparing for my Ortho Sub-I and trying to figure out where I fit in best: ortho, gen surg, or something non-medical: teaching? consulting? writing? being a mom?
Mostly though, I came here just to recover. I think I lost a part of my soul this year. I got to get back to myself; get back to being free-spirited and happy. To learn, once again, how to live without boundaries.
God, its nice to be home.
