Of Goodness and Badness

The Good:

• I got my Step 1 USMLE scores back today; suffice it to say, if I wanted to match in an ultra-competitive program such as neurosurgery, my board scores would be very helpful. Honestly, though, I feel like none of this nonsense really matters anymore. It was important for me to do well because I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't a complete idiot at medicine. But as far as matching in a competitive residency is concerned ... pffff. At this point, I would much rather move to San Francisco to run a chocolatery that sells Fair Trade African Dark Chocolate exclusively than go about business as a neurotic surgeon. All that I feel is important to me now is this: I would like to work with the indigent. I would like some travel/adventure -- but within limits. And I would like to raise my children [all 12 of them which I plan to adopt]. Oh. And the marathon. Musn't forget the marathon.

• That being said, I can't take credit entirely for my ridiculous scores. Thank you mommy, for feeding me pure vegan food, soy ice cream and organic dark chocolate every day for the two months I studied. Thank you, Anna, for taking me out on a movie break and starting me on the path to social reintegration after six weeks of living like a hermit. And thank you, everyone, for believing in me at times when I no longer believe in myself.
  

• More good news: I got new running shoes! I'm a complete sucker for products endorsed by Runners Magazine.... its really sad. But I needed new shoes.
  

• I continue on my spree of Random Acts of Kindness: I made a very pregnant friend of mine very happy by surprising her an anti-boredom care package [She is on mandatory bed-rest]. I'm always surprised at how easy and fun it is to increase the universal sum of human hapiness.

• Work at my new psych site finally felt good today -- I've finally got my own patient to work up independently. I like teamwork, but I also like taking charge of stuff and getting $hit done independently. I bonded with my Attending over nerdy research stuff -- turns out, my "useless" research in college [all 3 years of it!] may actually further his OCD research here. I also bonded with Boris, the resident from Kiev. I talked to him about my life in Russia and my work at the womens' psychiatric clinic there. He later invited me over to his house for dinner with his wife and baby -- ah, Russian hospitality... I love it! I'm not sure how much more Borsh soup I can handle in this lifetime though. We might just do lunch over here at the hospital.

The Evil:

• I have been majorly depressed by my ER tutorial with a psychoanalyst this evening. I am tired as hell, having been up for 20 straight hours. Not only that, but I'm wound up becuase the guy was practically a Dementor [a la Harry Potter]. He sucked the soul right out of me. This is really only the first time that I've felt this intense feeling of suckiness regarding Psychiatry. He talked at me for 4 hours about suicide among female physicians ... actually, correction: he didn't really acknowledge me much --- he was mostly focused on the other med student present who, well, many members of the male species find to be ridiculously good looking. So not only did I feel depressed [because all we really talked about was suicide amoung female physicians], but I also felt entirely disconnected becaue I am not leggy, beautiful, white and blue-eyed. He also kept mentioning how his wife died four years ago and that made me feel sad ... he seemed like a broken man.