Of Pretense and Persuasions

Saturday, February 17, 2007

I am afraid that this here bloggie gives one the impression that I am miserable. I correct you: I am not. And the truth is, I have found The Zone. Okay, I only found it in the last week. But I found it and I tell you, man, it is awesome.

For the first time in a long time, everything is clear. I am happy. I sat down one day and broke into tears, confused and bewildered about the state of my existence. And then at the end of it all it occured to me that if I truly wanted to be happy, I had to put away the fears, the bullshit and the expectations that Society had placed upon me and be frank with myself about what I wanted to do and how I wanted to live.

And then, it was clear.

I want to be a surgeon. I want to operate. I love the OR and I don't give a flying rat's a$$ about people who tell me that I don't fit the mold. Whatever, dude.

I want to run my own practice which uses profits derived from surgical procedures to support preventive healthcare, women's healthcare and integrative medicine stuff. All in the same clinic. All with the ultimate aim of helping the indigent. All outside of the US. Maybe southeast asia; maybe Africa. I'm still unclear about my homing tendencies.

Friday, February 09, 2007

I am so miserable its not even funny. I love my team, internal medicine people rock, but dude... someone give me something to do. I am, quite frankly, bored. I feel useless. I have no real responsibility with regards to patient care. Everything is pomp and show. I am going thru the motions. Futility defines my existence. If anything, I do secretarial work ... which is fine, but not real doctoring. I am so bored. Oh wait. I already said that. I cannot see myself doing an internal medicine residency. I am brimming with negative energy and I loathe myself for it. I mean, seriously. I came to med school because I wanted to help take care of poor people, and IM/primary care is probably the best way to do that. But dude, the system is so totally not me.

I think I'm sucking it because its freaking cold outside. I need to move back to California and see the sun. I can't even remember the last time I was out in the sun. All I remember is that there was this glowing ball of fire in the sky and it was hurting my eyes.

I also think I need to get a life. As in, I need to get out there and be young and stupid. I need to go around pretending that I am invincible, defying authority, and mocking the masses. I need to give up this pancy-ass Ivy academic attitude for a groovy crunchy volkswagon buggy existence. I guess to do that, I'd first have to learn how to drive. Baby steps, dear, baby steps.