I keep falling in love with the world and can’t help but wonder if that’s a bad thing. That is to say, sometimes I find myself wondering if a person is capable of feeling or expressing only a finite amount of love in their lifetime. And, if that were true, am I being so flagrantly wasteful with my feelings at the current moment?

By the term ‘love’ I don’t mean the “I want to marry you”-type of love, but the “I think you and this world are so radically awesome”-kinda love. Maybe my feelings are generally indicative of the contentment I feel with my life, my job, and my environment right now. Indeed, in spite of all of the pain, the sadness, and the extreme suffering I encounter daily, I find myself content, fulfilled, and inanely happy.

I love my patients, regardless of how mentally debilitated they appear to be. Each, in their own right, is so breathtakingly beautiful; so breathtakingly human. They evoke in me such a staggering amount of compassion, combined with respect, that frequently I find myself struggling to maintain professionalism. It takes everything in me to maintain my composure and to not bust out with something to the effect of, “You go girl! You can do it! I believe in you!”…. Although, come to think of it, perhaps medicine would be better off if Docs did speak that way… :)

I love my teachers – the residents, the attendings, and the individual tutors. Sometimes, I find them to be complete punkasses when they yell at me for doing something wrong or when I find them doing something that I think is wrong … but for the most part, I am flattered by how generous they are to me with the gift of their time and the gift of their knowledge.

I am even starting to love my environment. It used to be that I hated New Haven. Now however, I have discovered small miracles in the city and beyond that have made me inanely happy: Lyman Orchards, Miller’s Pond, East Rock Park, Farmer’s Market, Fresh Yoga, Prospect Hill Community Garden; Criterion Theater, The Rice Pot, The Pantry, Payne Whitney Gym, Barnes and Noble, Edge of the Woods, and Nica’s.

I think that a lot of what I feel is consequent to the inner stability I have started to accrue. Which is to say, I am far more comfortable with being who I am, however quirky [euphemism for ‘odd’] and imperfect as I happen to be, than I have at any other point in human history. I have, once again, entered The Zone: academically, spiritually, and athletically. My days are characterized by solid discipline and complete focus. I go to bed at 8:00 pm and am at my desk by 4:00 am. I eat well and exercise wisely. I work because I like what I do; not because I have responsibilities to attend to or hours to put in. I pay attention to myself, my dreams, my whims and caprices. I pause to appreciate the humor and the magic of my life. I am open to the possibility of new dimensions to my experienced reality and am okay with the uncertainty regarding my future direction.

That being said, I don’t always wear rose-coloured glasses. In order to be cognizant of the problems in our society that can damn well be fixed, you can’t go around pretending that everything is great. Things that suck, need remedy. Things that are good can be made better. I’ve been talking to Dr. Fox and Dr. Rourbough a lot recently about reintroducing the concept of humanity into the delivery of health care. Why not change the sterile, concrete architecture of mental institutions and hospitals into something far more vibrant and nurturing? Why not shift our focus from “sick-care” to ‘health-care” and finally do something about preventive health care? Why not sink more money into social support services for home-based care than institutionalized settings where the sick come to get sicker?

Sometimes, I am frustrated by the failings of the System within which I work. At the same time, however, I appreciate these challenges – indeed, almost seek them out – because they incite creative thinking. That is, they force you to reevaluate the status quo and ask you to come up with a better solution. Problem solving as I love it!